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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Maid Dreams Children Will One Day Be Maids In Wealthier Households

LOS ANGELES—Estella Lopez expressed hope Monday that her children will enjoy a brighter future as housekeepers in wealthier households. "I want my daughters to have a better life than I've had," Lopez said. "I dream that one day they will serve in a beautiful home, polishing windows overlooking the ocean and disinfecting toilets made of marble. God willing, they'll be asked to scrub a bidet someday." Lopez added that she fantasizes about her son parking a Bentley.

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