Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Maid Of Honor Specifically Selected For Ability To Take Emotional Beating

CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating. “Jessica isn’t even my very best friend, but she is by far the most able to endure my ever-changing whims, exasperatingly unclear directives, and, of course, tantrum after tantrum,” said Cervantes, adding that no one else in her inner circle had the mental fortitude to withstand that level of trauma and still be able to plan the perfect bachelorette weekend. “It’s going to get pretty dicey, and only someone like Jessica could wade through that kind of psychological shitstorm and not fall apart like a house of cards.” Cervantes added that Cross was also ideal because the experience wouldn’t leave her all that damaged if she had to go through this again in five years.

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