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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line' Ring Across America

WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, you gotta be kidding me,” said Boston resident Matt Wilkinson, his voice filling the skies outside his local polling center and echoing millions of other voices that together shimmered in perfect harmony across the mighty Great Plains and through the thronged streets of every gleaming, alabaster city. “This is bullshit.” At press time, the wondrous refrain of “Fuck this, I’m going home” reverberated from the vast Atlantic to the jeweled Pacific in one final carol of sublime and majestic eloquence.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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