Majority Of Office’s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Majority Of Office’s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job

ST. PAUL, MN—Sources at local digital marketing agency Fusion Media confirmed Monday that the company’s stationery, broadband connection, printers, fax machines, and various other office equipment and supplies are primarily used by employees to apply for different jobs. “Do you know if we have any more printer paper in the supply closet—maybe some of that nicer, heavier-stock paper we use for presentations?” account executive Ingrid Zander was overheard asking office manager Heidi Campbell, who was herself reportedly using the company’s digital postage meter to send off a résumé and cover letter to a competing business. “And could you check to see if we have any legal envelopes, too? I’m going to need seven of those.” Sources also reported that the four Fusion Media employees who had taken a sick day Monday were all currently seated at a PR firm several blocks away interviewing for the same position.

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