After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game

MINNEAPOLIS—A dream nearly came true for leukemia patient Cody Patterson last week when the Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation provided the 10-year-old with free tickets to a Timberwolves game. "Satisfying the modest hopes of children like Cody is so rewarding," said president Tom Jameson, whose organization aims to fulfill the most practical wishes of children suffering from terminal illnesses. "He originally wanted to sit on the bench and meet the players, but we were able to talk him down to a pair of sensibly priced tickets to a Monday home game. These two nonadjacent seats will really make his eyes light up." In addition to providing a decent, largely unobstructed view of the game, the foundation agreed to go halfsies with Patterson on some nachos and a large drink.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.