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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Maker Of Pizza Rolls Rethinks Letting Fans Tell Its Story

MINNEAPOLIS—Shocked by the sheer volume of depressing videos submitted to their Tell Us Your Totino's Tale campaign, employees at the pizza-roll manufacturer announced Tuesday that they are rethinking their recent user-generated marketing initiative. "In retrospect, perhaps it would have been better for us to have simply gone ahead and told the Totino's story ourselves like we always have," marketing manager Joelle McCaffrey said Friday as she motioned toward a laptop displaying the dozens of sad, mildly disturbing videos she's been forced to watch over the past two weeks. "In each of the clips I've seen so far, everyone was greasy or sweaty. Seven of them mentioned they love pepperoni but didn't have a lot else to say, and at least four said our pizza rolls are the only thing they look forward to each day. One person forgot to turn the camera off and there was just this long shot of her struggling to get out of her chair and walk 10 feet to the door." Admitting the project was a failure, McCaffrey said that Totino's would soon be rolling out a replacement campaign featuring an Italian-accented animated pizza roll.

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