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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Maker Of Pizza Rolls Rethinks Letting Fans Tell Its Story

MINNEAPOLIS—Shocked by the sheer volume of depressing videos submitted to their Tell Us Your Totino's Tale campaign, employees at the pizza-roll manufacturer announced Tuesday that they are rethinking their recent user-generated marketing initiative. "In retrospect, perhaps it would have been better for us to have simply gone ahead and told the Totino's story ourselves like we always have," marketing manager Joelle McCaffrey said Friday as she motioned toward a laptop displaying the dozens of sad, mildly disturbing videos she's been forced to watch over the past two weeks. "In each of the clips I've seen so far, everyone was greasy or sweaty. Seven of them mentioned they love pepperoni but didn't have a lot else to say, and at least four said our pizza rolls are the only thing they look forward to each day. One person forgot to turn the camera off and there was just this long shot of her struggling to get out of her chair and walk 10 feet to the door." Admitting the project was a failure, McCaffrey said that Totino's would soon be rolling out a replacement campaign featuring an Italian-accented animated pizza roll.

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