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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Making A Midlife Career Change

Senior citizen receives advice on his career options.

It's never too late to make a career change. Here are some tips to help you get where you want to go:

  • To begin your search, visit your city's employment office. They never have any jobs you'd actually want, but sometimes they have free coffee.
  • If you are married and have children, it may prove difficult to change careers while maintaining financial stability. Consider moving across the country in the middle of the night and assuming a new identity.
  • You were born to be an insurance claims adjuster, and the stars know it. Chase that dream.
  • Switching to a brand-new field is a great way to reexperience that lost, helpless, fish-out-of-water feeling that sickened you so in adolescence.
  • Why not sink your life savings into self-publishing a book of essays about your reflections on aging? There's a gold mine for ya.
  • Attack your search for a new career head-on. Use a blunt, bludgeoning weapon and emit a blood-curdling shriek while charging forward.
  • Know what you would be good at? Writing movies. After all, you watch a ton of them, and it's just thinking up stuff for people to say.
  • It's easy to go from store greeter to grocery bagger if you just believe in yourself.
  • You're never too old to go back to college. It's just that you're way too old to fit in socially in any way.
  • Going from professional dancer to welder is the reverse of the traditional path. But you must do what you must do.
  • Having the right mental attitude is the first step. Try not to think about how old, pathetic, and unqualified you are.

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