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Making A Midlife Career Change

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

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Making A Midlife Career Change

Senior citizen receives advice on his career options.

It's never too late to make a career change. Here are some tips to help you get where you want to go:

  • To begin your search, visit your city's employment office. They never have any jobs you'd actually want, but sometimes they have free coffee.
  • If you are married and have children, it may prove difficult to change careers while maintaining financial stability. Consider moving across the country in the middle of the night and assuming a new identity.
  • You were born to be an insurance claims adjuster, and the stars know it. Chase that dream.
  • Switching to a brand-new field is a great way to reexperience that lost, helpless, fish-out-of-water feeling that sickened you so in adolescence.
  • Why not sink your life savings into self-publishing a book of essays about your reflections on aging? There's a gold mine for ya.
  • Attack your search for a new career head-on. Use a blunt, bludgeoning weapon and emit a blood-curdling shriek while charging forward.
  • Know what you would be good at? Writing movies. After all, you watch a ton of them, and it's just thinking up stuff for people to say.
  • It's easy to go from store greeter to grocery bagger if you just believe in yourself.
  • You're never too old to go back to college. It's just that you're way too old to fit in socially in any way.
  • Going from professional dancer to welder is the reverse of the traditional path. But you must do what you must do.
  • Having the right mental attitude is the first step. Try not to think about how old, pathetic, and unqualified you are.

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