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Making A Midlife Career Change

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PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

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Making A Midlife Career Change

Senior citizen receives advice on his career options.

It's never too late to make a career change. Here are some tips to help you get where you want to go:

  • To begin your search, visit your city's employment office. They never have any jobs you'd actually want, but sometimes they have free coffee.
  • If you are married and have children, it may prove difficult to change careers while maintaining financial stability. Consider moving across the country in the middle of the night and assuming a new identity.
  • You were born to be an insurance claims adjuster, and the stars know it. Chase that dream.
  • Switching to a brand-new field is a great way to reexperience that lost, helpless, fish-out-of-water feeling that sickened you so in adolescence.
  • Why not sink your life savings into self-publishing a book of essays about your reflections on aging? There's a gold mine for ya.
  • Attack your search for a new career head-on. Use a blunt, bludgeoning weapon and emit a blood-curdling shriek while charging forward.
  • Know what you would be good at? Writing movies. After all, you watch a ton of them, and it's just thinking up stuff for people to say.
  • It's easy to go from store greeter to grocery bagger if you just believe in yourself.
  • You're never too old to go back to college. It's just that you're way too old to fit in socially in any way.
  • Going from professional dancer to welder is the reverse of the traditional path. But you must do what you must do.
  • Having the right mental attitude is the first step. Try not to think about how old, pathetic, and unqualified you are.

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