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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:

  • To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
  • Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
  • If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there's a God for one night
  • Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
  • Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
  • Put the adults at the kids' table, and keep the kids in the car
  • An air horn will help let your guests know when they've overstayed their welcome
  • Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you're not around
  • Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug's been telling you for years
  • Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn't watch football
  • Never host Thanksgiving

More from this section

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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