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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:

  • To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
  • Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
  • If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there's a God for one night
  • Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
  • Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
  • Put the adults at the kids' table, and keep the kids in the car
  • An air horn will help let your guests know when they've overstayed their welcome
  • Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you're not around
  • Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug's been telling you for years
  • Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn't watch football
  • Never host Thanksgiving

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