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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:

  • To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
  • Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
  • If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there's a God for one night
  • Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
  • Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
  • Put the adults at the kids' table, and keep the kids in the car
  • An air horn will help let your guests know when they've overstayed their welcome
  • Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you're not around
  • Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug's been telling you for years
  • Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn't watch football
  • Never host Thanksgiving

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