adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:

  • To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
  • Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
  • If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there's a God for one night
  • Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
  • Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
  • Put the adults at the kids' table, and keep the kids in the car
  • An air horn will help let your guests know when they've overstayed their welcome
  • Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you're not around
  • Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug's been telling you for years
  • Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn't watch football
  • Never host Thanksgiving

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close