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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

  • Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice, even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.
  • The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your individual needs out of it.
  • Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of relatives.
  • A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.
  • Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your spouse closer together.
  • Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours—however long it takes.
  • Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.
  • Take out your marital problems on your young children.
  • Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.
  • Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you to get big and fat together.
  • If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone psychic at all times.
  • Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family for years at a time.
  • In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little woman endeavor.
  • One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show this is not always the case.
  • If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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