Making Your Marriage Last

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

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Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

  • Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice, even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.
  • The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your individual needs out of it.
  • Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of relatives.
  • A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.
  • Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your spouse closer together.
  • Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours—however long it takes.
  • Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.
  • Take out your marital problems on your young children.
  • Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.
  • Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you to get big and fat together.
  • If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone psychic at all times.
  • Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family for years at a time.
  • In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little woman endeavor.
  • One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show this is not always the case.
  • If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.