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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Malala Can Tell Oxford Paired Her With Roommate Just Because They’re Both Nobel Laureates

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates. “God, I bet they thought we’d magically hit it off and become best friends because we both received one of the world’s most prestigious international honors,” said Yousafzai, 20, adding that she now regretted ever having written in her housing questionnaire that her efforts on behalf of women’s education earned her the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, an award that has “literally zero” to do with her flatmate’s groundbreaking work in chemistry. “All I wanted was to meet someone really different, but now our room will be, like, ‘The Nobel Room,’ and no one will want to come hang out. They’ll think we planned this, which is totally not the case. I just want to go to class, meet boys, and get drunk.” At press time, Yousafzai was coming around to her new roommate after learning she came from a wealthy family and would be bringing a huge plasma screen TV.

More from this section

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

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