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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping

ALAMO, CA—Saying they’d been looking forward to the outing all summer, local friends Sameer Weber, Rob Dempsey, and Drew Hutchinson reportedly packed up their gear and headed out Thursday for their annual camping trip to complain about camping. “The three of us have been doing this for years; it’s such a nice change of pace to take a long weekend and head out into the wilderness where we can repeatedly gripe about the inconveniences of being in the wilderness,” Weber told reporters, adding that their packed three-day itinerary includes cursing unpredictable weather, grumbling about how no fish are biting, and bemoaning everything from the dwindling snack supply to the terrible sleep they got in their poorly padded sleeping bags. “There’s nothing like getting together with your best friends, finding a quiet spot in the woods, and complaining every waking second about how annoying it is to pitch a tent in the darkness or start a campfire with all this damp wood. This really is a special getaway for us each summer.” As of press time, the longtime friends had already gotten their camping trip off to a strong start by launching into 20 minutes of collective outrage about the traffic on the road to the campground.


First rule of camping: Don’t leave home without your Cheetos.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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