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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping

ALAMO, CA—Saying they’d been looking forward to the outing all summer, local friends Sameer Weber, Rob Dempsey, and Drew Hutchinson reportedly packed up their gear and headed out Thursday for their annual camping trip to complain about camping. “The three of us have been doing this for years; it’s such a nice change of pace to take a long weekend and head out into the wilderness where we can repeatedly gripe about the inconveniences of being in the wilderness,” Weber told reporters, adding that their packed three-day itinerary includes cursing unpredictable weather, grumbling about how no fish are biting, and bemoaning everything from the dwindling snack supply to the terrible sleep they got in their poorly padded sleeping bags. “There’s nothing like getting together with your best friends, finding a quiet spot in the woods, and complaining every waking second about how annoying it is to pitch a tent in the darkness or start a campfire with all this damp wood. This really is a special getaway for us each summer.” As of press time, the longtime friends had already gotten their camping trip off to a strong start by launching into 20 minutes of collective outrage about the traffic on the road to the campground.


First rule of camping: Don’t leave home without your Cheetos.

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