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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping

ALAMO, CA—Saying they’d been looking forward to the outing all summer, local friends Sameer Weber, Rob Dempsey, and Drew Hutchinson reportedly packed up their gear and headed out Thursday for their annual camping trip to complain about camping. “The three of us have been doing this for years; it’s such a nice change of pace to take a long weekend and head out into the wilderness where we can repeatedly gripe about the inconveniences of being in the wilderness,” Weber told reporters, adding that their packed three-day itinerary includes cursing unpredictable weather, grumbling about how no fish are biting, and bemoaning everything from the dwindling snack supply to the terrible sleep they got in their poorly padded sleeping bags. “There’s nothing like getting together with your best friends, finding a quiet spot in the woods, and complaining every waking second about how annoying it is to pitch a tent in the darkness or start a campfire with all this damp wood. This really is a special getaway for us each summer.” As of press time, the longtime friends had already gotten their camping trip off to a strong start by launching into 20 minutes of collective outrage about the traffic on the road to the campground.

First rule of camping: Don’t leave home without your Cheetos.

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