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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing pleasure to the man who ordered it. By valuing the dish only for its ability to satisfy male appetites, the gaze has reportedly stripped the food of its individuality and reinforced outmoded, centuries-old attitudes toward deep-fried chicken. According to sources, the man could be seen almost drooling as he projected his desires onto the platter before him, looking upon the happy-hour favorite as nothing more than a passive “thing” to be dunked in ranch dressing and eagerly consumed. Critics of the man’s perspective have argued that each buffalo chicken bite deserves to be considered on its own merits and valued accordingly as the piece of meat that it is.

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