Male Orgasm Captured On Film

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Vol 35 Issue 37

Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

WASHINGTON, DC—With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. "Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross." Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked.

Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."

Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography And Bodily Waste Yet Again

SAN FRANCISCO—The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit "Doo-Doo Messiah" opened at the San Francisco Museum Of Modern Art. The shocking series of sculptures and paintings, which, among other things, depict Jesus Christ enthusiastically eating St. Paul's feces and blessing himself with the urine of John the Baptist, has sparked outrage among Christian leaders, many of whom flew straight from the Brooklyn Museum Of Art's "Sensation" exhibit to begin work on protesting this latest shocking installation. "This is the most horrifying, blasphemous excuse for art I have ever witnessed again," said Father Theodore Dickey of the Archdiocese of Boston. "I have seen many excrement-Jesus sculptures, but this is easily one of the 20 worst." Pastor Joseph Annunciata of the Cincinnati League of Episcopalians was equally shocked, asking, "Why would they display such a thing in a place where decent Christians are going to see it when they come to protest it?"

I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

Infidel!

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, are to be executed summarily, vaporized, and their space-particles scattered across the farthest reaches of the cosmos! I have spoken! But first, remove the bags covering their faces! Unmask the weak, insignificant prisoners, that I may spit in the face of these two foolish whelps who dare to call themselves "the galaxy's greatest heroes." I wish to force them to watch the destruction of the entire United-Earth Space-Army with a single blast from my Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon, so that they may die knowing the hideous depths of their failure!

The New Reagan Biography

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events. What do you think of this controversial "biographical novel"?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Male Orgasm Captured On Film

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Announcing "a major advance in the age-old quest to unlock the secrets at the heart of human sexuality," researchers at Harvard's Center For The Graphic Depiction Of The Human Sexual Act confirmed Monday that, with the aid of experimental new high-speed photographic technology, they have successfully captured the elusive male orgasm on film.

An image from the first footage of the elusive male orgasm ever to be captured by science.

The breakthrough marks the first time the male orgasm—perhaps the most mysterious, least-understood element of the complex dance that is human sexual behavior—has been successfully photographed.

"We have taken a giant leap forward in the struggle to unravel the mysteries of human love, illuminating aspects of the male orgasm that have long been hidden in a haze of speculation," said Dr. Donald Roehnert, head of the multidisciplinary team of experts credited with the breakthrough. "Though it is still too early to say how much can be learned, even a cursory examination of this historic footage reveals much that we otherwise never would have known about the magic and mystery of male sexuality."

For centuries, the male orgasm has remained shrouded in myth. Though it has long captivated imaginations with its evocative beauty, humanity's understanding of this most profound of human experiences has been clouded by ignorance and superstition since its discovery by the ancient Greeks in pre-Hellenistic times.

According to experts, there are many reasons that the male orgasm has remained such an enigma. Perhaps the greatest, however, is the deep unwillingness of males to allow themselves the extraordinary emotional vulnerability the act elicits.

"The male animal is not a piece of meat," Roehnert explained. "He is a rose wrapped in a poem, yielding up his deepest, most intimate secrets only when just the right magical moment has been achieved. The alluring yet fragile petals of the delicate flower known as the male of the species can unfold and bloom only in the presence of the right combination of gentleness, tenderness and deep, abiding care."

By establishing a powerful empathic bond with their male test subject and then reinforcing that bond with respect and trust over a period of many months, the Harvard scientists were able to do what no scientific effort could before: capture the moment of sweet release in all its majestic splendor.

Despite their success, the Harvard team did encounter its share of challenges and setbacks along the way.

Scientists closely examine the rare male-orgasm footage.

"Only the most advanced camera equipment, under extremely precise lighting conditions and with the best in high-speed film stock, was sensitive enough to capture the image clearly," said Dr. John Leslie, the Harvard team's optics and photography expert. "But the effort was well worth it: Now that the exquisite, breathtaking majesty of the male orgasm has been immortalized on camera, the world will finally know just what an incredible sight it truly is."

"On a personal note," the visibly affected Leslie added, "the first time I saw the footage, I wept. And I'm not ashamed to say so."

According to Leslie, countless scenarios were tried, covering a wide range of sensory stimuli, before the precise conditions needed to trigger the fragile bodily response could be found.

"Using a painstaking process of trial and error, hundreds of situations were attempted," he said. "We tried everything: pool-cleaners arriving to find bikini-clad nubiles in the backyard, unsuspecting pizza-delivery drivers finding themselves at sorority pajama parties—you name it. Virtually every permutation of sensory stimuli you could imagine was exhaustively explored."

But in the end, Leslie said, only one scenario proved both orgasm-inducing and feasible to record: the direct ejaculation of the male member onto a corresponding female partner's face, with the woman's head positioned only inches away.

"For some reason," Leslie said, "no other set of circumstances produced the desired effect. Oh, and the woman has to have high-heeled shoes on, too, although she's otherwise undressed. We don't know why that is, either."

The scientists acknowledged that such riddles may never be fully unraveled.

"The male orgasm, like the song of the nightingale or the simple beauty of a rainbow, remains an exquisite and beautiful mystery, one whose timeless wonderment cannot be fully explained by something so cold and clinical as scientific analysis," Roehnert said. "There are many factors at work here that science will likely never understand."

"Perhaps it is a question best left to the poets and philosophers," he added.

Now that the male orgasm has been successfully captured on film, the scientists can begin in earnest the next phase of their research: subjecting the test footage to countless hours of scrutiny.

"Only by watching this wondrous imagery hundreds upon hundreds of times can we begin to understand what it has to teach us," Roehnert said. "The work is long, and the life is hard, but I know of no other cause so deeply rewarding."

Though the Harvard team's success has been hailed throughout the scientific world, individuals in other spheres have also shown interest in the photographic breakthrough.

"It may seem far-fetched at this point," Vivid Video spokesman Brian Gross said, "but someday, this advance could have commercial applications, as well."

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