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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery

GREENFIELD, RI—Knowing neither where the man came from, what his story is, or what, if anything, he hoped to accomplish, Greenfield High School students in Mrs. Edwards’ fourth period English class confirmed Tuesday that their new male, ponytailed substitute teacher has been heretofore cloaked in a veil of mystery too deep to penetrate. “He doesn’t look like our usual subs and he’s, like, 30 or something,” sophomore Peter Tate said of the enigmatic man in a dress shirt and jeans whose hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and who told students they should feel free to address him as “Tyler.” “We didn’t really do any work. He told us he wanted today’s lesson to be more of a ‘conversation,’ whatever that means. It wasn’t really clear what else is going on with his life, but he can’t just be some weirdo because then why would the school let him teach kids?” At press time, the substitute teacher’s legend had only grown as students spotted the inscrutable figure pulling out of the school’s parking lot at lunch on a 1996 Kawasaki Ninja.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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