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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Male Substitute Teacher With Ponytail Cloaked In Mystery

GREENFIELD, RI—Knowing neither where the man came from, what his story is, or what, if anything, he hoped to accomplish, Greenfield High School students in Mrs. Edwards’ fourth period English class confirmed Tuesday that their new male, ponytailed substitute teacher has been heretofore cloaked in a veil of mystery too deep to penetrate. “He doesn’t look like our usual subs and he’s, like, 30 or something,” sophomore Peter Tate said of the enigmatic man in a dress shirt and jeans whose hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and who told students they should feel free to address him as “Tyler.” “We didn’t really do any work. He told us he wanted today’s lesson to be more of a ‘conversation,’ whatever that means. It wasn’t really clear what else is going on with his life, but he can’t just be some weirdo because then why would the school let him teach kids?” At press time, the substitute teacher’s legend had only grown as students spotted the inscrutable figure pulling out of the school’s parking lot at lunch on a 1996 Kawasaki Ninja.

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