Mall Security All Up In Girl's Face

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Vol 36 Issue 39

Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE– During a campaign stop Monday, Republican U.S. Senate candidate and former Delaware attorney general Don Stenberg expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Stenberg told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress." Earlier in the day, Stenberg was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, and an Episcopalian Church.

Awful Show A Repeat Again

PRESCOTT, AZ– According to local TV viewer Randy Bolz, Monday's episode of the "absolutely awful" CBS show The King Of Queens was a repeat yet again. "King Of Queens is bad enough when it's a new episode," Bolz said, "but this is the third time I've seen that stupid one where Doug buys the really expensive car against Carrie's wishes, then his company goes on strike. Even if I actually did like this show, I certainly wouldn't after seeing the same damn episode three times in less than a year. Christ."

No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

TABORA, TANZANIA– After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. "While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own," primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. "We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season." The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods

NORTHFIELD, IL– In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes

MILFORD, CT– Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

The XFL

Last weekend, the inaugural player draft was held for the XFL, the new World Wrestling Federation-backed pro-football league. What are some of the league's features?

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot

I usually enjoy Entertainment Weekly a great deal, devouring everything from Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet to the Gimme Shelter profiles of on-the-market celebrity homes to the always cheeky CyberDigest column. And, as a rule, I trust the magazine's reviews, confident that if Ken Tucker says the new CBS show The Fugitive is an A-minus, it's an A-minus. I must, however, take strong issue with the C-plus grade for the DVD release of The Patriot.
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Business

Mall Security All Up In Girl's Face

FORT WAYNE, IN–Despite the fact that she wasn't doing nothing wrong, Northwood Mall security got all up in local 16-year-old Katrina Cuellar's face Monday.

Cuellar stands outside Northwood Mall shortly after her clash with Boyd (inset).

"So I'm, like, hanging out on the benches with Jill [Nichols] and Amanda [Beresford] and Alicia [Hackett], and this security guy gets all up in my face and is like, 'Hey, you–you're being too loud! And clean up that mess you made!'" Cuellar said. "That's total bullshit."

The confrontation with mall security guard Eric Boyd occurred at approximately 8 p.m. on the benches in front of Hot Topic.

"Yeah, we were hanging out, but we weren't causing no problems," said Cuellar, who has related the injustice to nearly 30 friends throughout the Fort Wayne area. "Then that mall cop comes up and gets all Nazi Russia on us."

Boyd disagreed with Cuellar's account of the incident.

"That pack of girls was up to no good," said Boyd, 44, a Northwood Mall employee since February 1999. "I had a report from Patricia at the Original Cookie Company that they had been yelling inappropriate remarks at other mall patrons, so I went up to the girls to tell them to keep it down. That's when I noticed the napkins and empty Burger King cups in the potted plants adjacent to them."

Boyd said he politely asked the girls to deposit their trash in an appropriate waste receptacle. Cuellar responded that the garbage did not belong to them.

"The girls were holding Burger King bags, and there were a number of corresponding Burger King cups and napkins in the nearby plant," Boyd said. "Do you mean to tell me it was merely a coincidence that these girls were eating Burger King food, and just a few feet away in the plant were Burger King items that belonged to somebody else? That seems unlikely."

Boyd informed the group that he didn't care to whom the garbage belonged, saying that Cuellar and her friends "had better hop to it" and pick up the refuse if they wished to remain at the mall.

"That cop didn't have no right to get all up in my face," Cuellar said. "I'm supposed to clean up trash like I work there or something? I don't work there."

Added Cuellar: "I got a right to go where I want. I ain't in jail or nothing."

Dorothea Lurman, a noted teens'-rights activist, expressed outrage over the incident.

"I am deeply saddened to hear that this sort of injustice is still going on in this supposedly free country," Lurman said. "Can't nobody just go shopping without getting hassled by some fat old mall cop?"

Lurman called America's malls the "final frontier in the fight to eliminate teenist discrimination in our society."

"Where, if not the mall, can youths go to find a safe space in which to express their individuality free from the disapproving glare of society as a whole?" asked Lurman, author of the 1997 book Everybody Ridin' My Ass: The Youth Experience In The American Mallscape. "Our young people desperately need a place where they can just chill and do they thing in peace."

Northwood Mall has refused to issue Cuellar and her friends an apology.

"While we are disappointed that this unfortunate incident had to happen, we stand by the actions of Mr. Boyd," Northwood Mall general manager Ted Parrott said. "For the safety of all of our patrons, we must strictly enforce certain rules of conduct."

According to Cuellar, this is not the first time mall authority figures have unfairly gotten up in her face. On Oct. 19, employees at Northwood Mall video arcade The Game Den reportedly jumped on Cuellar about spilling soda on a Tekken III machine. While the sign at The Game Den's entrance clearly prohibits the drinking of soda on arcade premises, Cuellar insisted that she wasn't drinking soda, merely carrying it in her hand.

On Oct. 24, the iron fist of mall authority struck again–this time in the form of Gadzooks assistant manager Naomi Gronson. According to Cuellar, Gronson began bitching out Cuellar and Beresford for trying on clothing. Gronson claimed that the girls tied up one of the store's two fitting rooms for more than an hour, leaving as many as 25 items on the re-hang rack without purchasing a single item.

"[Gronson] went all psycho on us, just because we didn't buy anything at her store," Cuellar said. "Well, just because all her clothes are gay-ass, that don't make it my fault."

So disgusted is Cuellar with her mistreatment at the hands of Northwood personnel, she is considering a boycott of the mall.

"If I want to deal with some retard who wants to ride my ass for no reason, I'll just take the bus," Cuellar said. "That fuckin' driver on the E-line is almost as bad as Mr. Big Shot Mall Cop."

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