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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday. “Oh God, what have I done?” said Beck, realizing far too late that he had set himself upon a dark and perilous path through random power cords, scattered binders, and old CDs from which there was no turning back. “I never would have done this had I known my fate would be as Pandora opening her box. But now the old order is in ruins. Nothing remains but the mayhem I have fashioned with my own hands and folly!” At press time, Beck, knowing he had no choice but to forge ahead no matter what awaited him, took a deep breath and solemnly removed an LSAT study guide from the pile.

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