After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Man Abuses Child Quietly Out Of Respect For Other Diners

FORT SMITH, AR—Hoping to avoid rudely interrupting the meals of nearly two dozen other patrons, James Larson lowered his voice while quietly scarring his 7-year-old son emotionally, sources at the Dodson Diner reported Thursday. "You shut your damn mouth," hissed Larson in the small boy's ear, while being careful not to upset those in the restaurant's dining area. "Just wait till we get you home. I swear I'll slap that stupid smirk right off your face." Worried that he may have overstepped his bounds, Larson then repeatedly apologized to his waitress and politely excused himself and his whimpering son so that he could administer a proper chastising.

After Birth

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