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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.

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