adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close