Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

Top Headlines

Best Of April 2015

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close