Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends

NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them. “I didn’t do anything to make him upbeat, so it’s not really fair that I always end up getting pulled into it,” said friend Christa Daniels, noting that she consciously avoids interacting with Melrose when he appears visibly happy and often tells him to take a deep breath and come back when he’s calmed down. “Some days it’s his love life, some days it’s his work, and some days it’s probably just a personality thing. Regardless, it’s best to keep your distance when he’s getting whatever he’s going through out of his system; people only have so much patience for that kind of thing.” At press time, Melrose was seen drinking at a local bar and unleashing so much pent-up positivity on his friends that several reportedly grew irritated and walked out.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.