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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends

NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them. “I didn’t do anything to make him upbeat, so it’s not really fair that I always end up getting pulled into it,” said friend Christa Daniels, noting that she consciously avoids interacting with Melrose when he appears visibly happy and often tells him to take a deep breath and come back when he’s calmed down. “Some days it’s his love life, some days it’s his work, and some days it’s probably just a personality thing. Regardless, it’s best to keep your distance when he’s getting whatever he’s going through out of his system; people only have so much patience for that kind of thing.” At press time, Melrose was seen drinking at a local bar and unleashing so much pent-up positivity on his friends that several reportedly grew irritated and walked out.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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