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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes

BOISE, ID—In spite of the numerous times he's craved pancakes during the past year, Mike Herrin, 26, always finds himself three ingredients shy of being able to make the breakfast food. "I woke up this morning just dying for a big mug of coffee and a stack of pancakes," Herrin said Sunday. "This time, I knew I had milk, eggs, and even sugar. But of course there was no baking powder or flour, and I was out of salt." Herrin then stared longingly at the dust-covered bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's in the back of the cupboard for a moment before slamming the door shut.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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