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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Always Three Ingredients Away From Making Pancakes

BOISE, ID—In spite of the numerous times he's craved pancakes during the past year, Mike Herrin, 26, always finds himself three ingredients shy of being able to make the breakfast food. "I woke up this morning just dying for a big mug of coffee and a stack of pancakes," Herrin said Sunday. "This time, I knew I had milk, eggs, and even sugar. But of course there was no baking powder or flour, and I was out of salt." Herrin then stared longingly at the dust-covered bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's in the back of the cupboard for a moment before slamming the door shut.

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