adBlockCheck

Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial

Top Headlines

Local

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial

TEMPE, AZ—Local research assistant Rob Greenfield descended into anger Tuesday after not being able to name the actress he saw in an ad for Revlon CustomEyes mascara. “Come on, come on, I know this—Jennifer, Julie something?—I want to say Jessica Alba, but it’s obviously not her,” said Greenfield, whose frustration continued to mount throughout the commercial break and well into the next segment of Hawaii Five-0. “Fuck, this is going to kill me. It’s the girl from The Illusionist.” As of press time, it was Jessica Biel.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close