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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial

TEMPE, AZ—Local research assistant Rob Greenfield descended into anger Tuesday after not being able to name the actress he saw in an ad for Revlon CustomEyes mascara. “Come on, come on, I know this—Jennifer, Julie something?—I want to say Jessica Alba, but it’s obviously not her,” said Greenfield, whose frustration continued to mount throughout the commercial break and well into the next segment of Hawaii Five-0. “Fuck, this is going to kill me. It’s the girl from The Illusionist.” As of press time, it was Jessica Biel.

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