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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial

TEMPE, AZ—Local research assistant Rob Greenfield descended into anger Tuesday after not being able to name the actress he saw in an ad for Revlon CustomEyes mascara. “Come on, come on, I know this—Jennifer, Julie something?—I want to say Jessica Alba, but it’s obviously not her,” said Greenfield, whose frustration continued to mount throughout the commercial break and well into the next segment of Hawaii Five-0. “Fuck, this is going to kill me. It’s the girl from The Illusionist.” As of press time, it was Jessica Biel.

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