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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Anxiously Scanning Bar’s Reaction To Jukebox Selection

CHICAGO—Saying he hoped his choice would not kill the room’s vibe, sources confirmed Thursday night that local man Jared Chambers was anxiously scanning fellow patrons at Collin’s Tavern to judge the reaction to his recent jukebox selection. “I think this is a pretty safe song, but I don’t know,” said Chambers, who reportedly appeared visibly relieved after seeing several people briefly nod along to the opening notes. “Nobody got really excited, but it doesn’t seem like anybody hates it, either. I think, at worst, some people just don’t care either way, and I guess I can live with that.” At press time, Chambers’ confidence in his song was suddenly destroyed after seeing another patron briskly get up and begin quickly flipping through the jukebox song catalogue.

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