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Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile

SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated by the exaggeration of her interest in the outdoors as well as her clear lack of knowledge of photography, classic movies, and several other of her listed hobbies, local 32-year-old Joshua Mulville expressed his dismay to reporters that the woman he met for dinner Saturday had lied a bit more than he had on her online dating profile. “She came off a lot different than she seemed online, so I was pretty disappointed,” said Mulville of the woman’s numerous misrepresentations about her personality and appearance that were slightly more egregious than his claims of possessing an easygoing nature, quick wit, and athletic build. “How can you say you love to travel if you’ve never even been out of the country? Plus, I’m sorry, there’s no way she reads The Economist.” Sources confirmed that Mulville’s date was equally aggravated upon discovering that he was exactly as she imagined based on his profile’s numerous Anchorman quotations.

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