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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile

SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated by the exaggeration of her interest in the outdoors as well as her clear lack of knowledge of photography, classic movies, and several other of her listed hobbies, local 32-year-old Joshua Mulville expressed his dismay to reporters that the woman he met for dinner Saturday had lied a bit more than he had on her online dating profile. “She came off a lot different than she seemed online, so I was pretty disappointed,” said Mulville of the woman’s numerous misrepresentations about her personality and appearance that were slightly more egregious than his claims of possessing an easygoing nature, quick wit, and athletic build. “How can you say you love to travel if you’ve never even been out of the country? Plus, I’m sorry, there’s no way she reads The Economist.” Sources confirmed that Mulville’s date was equally aggravated upon discovering that he was exactly as she imagined based on his profile’s numerous Anchorman quotations.

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