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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile

SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated by the exaggeration of her interest in the outdoors as well as her clear lack of knowledge of photography, classic movies, and several other of her listed hobbies, local 32-year-old Joshua Mulville expressed his dismay to reporters that the woman he met for dinner Saturday had lied a bit more than he had on her online dating profile. “She came off a lot different than she seemed online, so I was pretty disappointed,” said Mulville of the woman’s numerous misrepresentations about her personality and appearance that were slightly more egregious than his claims of possessing an easygoing nature, quick wit, and athletic build. “How can you say you love to travel if you’ve never even been out of the country? Plus, I’m sorry, there’s no way she reads The Economist.” Sources confirmed that Mulville’s date was equally aggravated upon discovering that he was exactly as she imagined based on his profile’s numerous Anchorman quotations.

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