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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Man Arrested For Stealing More Than $50,000 In Beards From Hank Williams, Jr.

PARIS, TN—The Henry County Sheriff's Department announced Monday the arrest of a local man charged with burglarizing the climate-controlled beard humidor of country artist Hank Williams, Jr. and stealing his entire archive of human beards. "This man stole goatees, Vandykes, Shenandoahs, French forks, and even the original $4,000 Garibaldi that was the prize of Mr. Williams' collection," Deputy Bob McCrary told reporters. "He left nothing behind but stubble and some mismatched sideburns; it's a miracle we caught him, given his considerable ability to disguise himself." The recovery of the collection has come as an enormous relief to Williams, who for days had been forced to make do with only a soul patch and toothbrush mustache borrowed from friends.

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