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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes

MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a plan to walk back and forth along the residential street for 10 additional minutes. "I guess I could sit in my car and listen to the radio, but it would be weird if someone saw me doing that," Harrington said to himself before outlining a strategy to wander slowly over to the convenience store on the corner, stare at a few food items he has no intention of purchasing, and then wander slowly out. "If that doesn't kill enough time, I'll just go through my cell phone and delete old text messages for a while." After eight minutes of meandering to a nearby playground and back, Harrington is expected to stand silently on a neighbor's lawn.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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