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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Arriving Early To Party To Walk Up And Down Street For 10 Minutes

MEDFORD, MA—After arriving early for a coworker's party Friday evening and wishing to avoid an awkward entrance, 29-year-old Scott Harrington reportedly devised a plan to walk back and forth along the residential street for 10 additional minutes. "I guess I could sit in my car and listen to the radio, but it would be weird if someone saw me doing that," Harrington said to himself before outlining a strategy to wander slowly over to the convenience store on the corner, stare at a few food items he has no intention of purchasing, and then wander slowly out. "If that doesn't kill enough time, I'll just go through my cell phone and delete old text messages for a while." After eight minutes of meandering to a nearby playground and back, Harrington is expected to stand silently on a neighbor's lawn.

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