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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of surreptitiously glimpsing the flaccid male organ of a man at an adjacent urinal. Pretending to focus intently on a square of white ceramic tile directly in front of him, Munro managed to crane his head very slightly to the left, which, combined with his extreme leftward eyeball positioning, afforded him a brief but clear glimpse of the four-inch-long neighboring penis. Experts believe the heterosexual Munro was acting upon an evaluative impulse, hoping to see a fellow male's penis for purposes of comparing it to his own.

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