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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man At Airport Pissed That Other People Had Same Idea To Go Home For Thanksgiving

NEW YORK—Sighing and cursing under his breath upon seeing the long, winding security lines and packed concourses throughout LaGuardia Airport, 28-year-old Thomas Metcalfe was reportedly pissed off Wednesday after realizing that other people had the same idea to go home for Thanksgiving. “Jesus Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me,” said a visibly aggravated Metcalfe, expressing his frustration upon noticing that the crowds of travelers had not only chosen the exact same time to visit their families as he did, but also had the same ideas to each bring a single overstuffed carry-on and to mill around the gate area. “Oh, man, I bet my flight to Chicago is going to be completely full, too. Just my luck.” At press time, Metcalfe took some relief in looking ahead to his return flight on Sunday, speculating that the whole mess would die down by then and he would be able to experience a relaxed, hassle-free trip back.

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