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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock

IDAHO FALLS, ID—Misinterpreting a bartender's raised eyebrow as an unspoken question, Kenny's Bar patron Neil Plottman delivered a long, convoluted explanation Wednesday as to why he ordered a Rolling Rock beer. "Well, when I was in college in Philly, me and my friend used to drink this all the time," Plottman said. "Plus there's the whole supporting-local-businesses thing, and the cool '33' on the label there, which not a lot of people know is a Masonic thing. Not a bad beer, once you get used to it." Plottman then ruined a game of darts by explaining to the uninterested players what he would drink if Rolling Rock wasn't available and why he had to drink beer out of a mug instead of a pilsner glass.

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