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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock

IDAHO FALLS, ID—Misinterpreting a bartender's raised eyebrow as an unspoken question, Kenny's Bar patron Neil Plottman delivered a long, convoluted explanation Wednesday as to why he ordered a Rolling Rock beer. "Well, when I was in college in Philly, me and my friend used to drink this all the time," Plottman said. "Plus there's the whole supporting-local-businesses thing, and the cool '33' on the label there, which not a lot of people know is a Masonic thing. Not a bad beer, once you get used to it." Plottman then ruined a game of darts by explaining to the uninterested players what he would drink if Rolling Rock wasn't available and why he had to drink beer out of a mug instead of a pilsner glass.

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