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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock

IDAHO FALLS, ID—Misinterpreting a bartender's raised eyebrow as an unspoken question, Kenny's Bar patron Neil Plottman delivered a long, convoluted explanation Wednesday as to why he ordered a Rolling Rock beer. "Well, when I was in college in Philly, me and my friend used to drink this all the time," Plottman said. "Plus there's the whole supporting-local-businesses thing, and the cool '33' on the label there, which not a lot of people know is a Masonic thing. Not a bad beer, once you get used to it." Plottman then ruined a game of darts by explaining to the uninterested players what he would drink if Rolling Rock wasn't available and why he had to drink beer out of a mug instead of a pilsner glass.

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