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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad

RICHMOND, VA—Sources at the downtown Whole Foods location reported this afternoon that one of the grocery store’s salad bar patrons apparently felt compelled to mutter the name of each vegetable and fixing under his breath as he picked it up and placed it in his plastic container. “Romaine...carrots...a little cucumber...no black olives...some scallions...” the tong-wielding man reportedly said in a soft but audible voice as he moved from vegetable tray to vegetable tray alongside several other customers. “Hmm, dressing, which dressing? Ooh, balsamic.” Sources reported that the man later said the words “no” and “yes” aloud at checkout when the credit card terminal screen asked him whether he wanted cash back and to verify the transaction’s $7.48 total.

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