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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad

RICHMOND, VA—Sources at the downtown Whole Foods location reported this afternoon that one of the grocery store’s salad bar patrons apparently felt compelled to mutter the name of each vegetable and fixing under his breath as he picked it up and placed it in his plastic container. “Romaine...carrots...a little cucumber...no black olives...some scallions...” the tong-wielding man reportedly said in a soft but audible voice as he moved from vegetable tray to vegetable tray alongside several other customers. “Hmm, dressing, which dressing? Ooh, balsamic.” Sources reported that the man later said the words “no” and “yes” aloud at checkout when the credit card terminal screen asked him whether he wanted cash back and to verify the transaction’s $7.48 total.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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