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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad

RICHMOND, VA—Sources at the downtown Whole Foods location reported this afternoon that one of the grocery store’s salad bar patrons apparently felt compelled to mutter the name of each vegetable and fixing under his breath as he picked it up and placed it in his plastic container. “Romaine...carrots...a little cucumber...no black olives...some scallions...” the tong-wielding man reportedly said in a soft but audible voice as he moved from vegetable tray to vegetable tray alongside several other customers. “Hmm, dressing, which dressing? Ooh, balsamic.” Sources reported that the man later said the words “no” and “yes” aloud at checkout when the credit card terminal screen asked him whether he wanted cash back and to verify the transaction’s $7.48 total.

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