Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 15

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close

BALTIMORE—As he squinted and craned his neck in an effort to peer through the establishment’s front windows from the sidewalk across the street, local man Shane Peterson confided to reporters Friday that he was attempting to ascertain whether the cafe and bakery was actually closed without having to get too close. “I think I can see a waitresses walking around, but they could just be cleaning before they lock up for the day—it’s hard to tell,” said the man who was actively avoiding getting any closer than 40 feet from the eatery’s entrance, while noting that though all of the lights remained on, he wasn’t sure if they just left them on all the time, and adding that the last thing he wanted was to walk all the way to the front door just to pull on the handle and find it locked. “Right now, it’s about 2:45, but I don’t know if they normally stay open to 2 or 3 or what. I guess they could have closed early. There’s a sign on the door with the hours, but I can’t see it from here. Maybe I’ll just wait to see if someone goes in.” At press time, a restaurant employee had apparently noticed Peterson, causing him to hastily avert his gaze and walk around the corner.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More