adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Attends 25-Year Nursery School Reunion

LA GRANGE, IL—Area man Brian Classon attended his 25-year nursery school reunion on Friday and told reporters he had a great time reconnecting with old friends from nap time. "It's amazing how much everyone has changed, especially Janet Norgren," said Classon, adding that he was happy to see Tom Packard had realized his ambition to become a fireman. "She's like 3 feet taller, has put on quite a bit of weight. But the real surprise is Jeff. He has calmed down a lot." Classon said it was also the first time he had seen his old classmates get totally shit-faced and vomit in a garbage can.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close