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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Man Attends 25-Year Nursery School Reunion

LA GRANGE, IL—Area man Brian Classon attended his 25-year nursery school reunion on Friday and told reporters he had a great time reconnecting with old friends from nap time. "It's amazing how much everyone has changed, especially Janet Norgren," said Classon, adding that he was happy to see Tom Packard had realized his ambition to become a fireman. "She's like 3 feet taller, has put on quite a bit of weight. But the real surprise is Jeff. He has calmed down a lot." Classon said it was also the first time he had seen his old classmates get totally shit-faced and vomit in a garbage can.

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