Man Back With Woman His Best Friend Spent Week Criticizing

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Vol 38 Issue 07

Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway. "I contain 40 percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at terrified produce-aisle customers. "I can fight off insects and disease without the use of pesticides!" Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?" Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.

Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more resignation in her voice.

$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession

WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. "This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide," Bush said. "We will find you, and we will end you." Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.

Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq

NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said. "Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations." Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

I Almost Lost It All

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems.

The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?

The New Sesame Street

For its 33rd season, which began last month, Sesame Street has been given its biggest overhaul ever. Among the changes:
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Man Back With Woman His Best Friend Spent Week Criticizing

PHILADELPHIA—On Sunday, Chris Sorum, 26, rekindled his relationship with Kate Mulberry, the ex-girlfriend Sorum's best friend Danny Weir had spent the previous week mercilessly criticizing.

Sorum and reconciled ex-girlfriend Mulberry, who Weir (inset) prematurely lambasted.

"He told me it really was finally over between the two of them," Weir said. "So the night after the breakup, I took Chris out drinking and just started going off on what a colossal bitch I'd always thought Kate was. I told him everything I hated about her, stuff I never would've said if they were together. Like how psychotically possessive and controlling she was. And how she used to act like a know-it-all about shit she knew nothing about—like theater, which she thought she was an expert in just because her mom did lighting at some repertory company. Whoops."

Added Weir: "I'm also pretty sure I called her a 'hatchet-faced hellbeast.'"

Trying to help Sorum get over what appeared to be a permanent breakup, Weir spent most of the week putting down Mulberry—and encouraging his friend to do the same.

"He really opened up and told me all the things he didn't like about Kate," Weir said. "And when I badmouthed her, for once he was agreeing with me instead of defending her like he usually does. He was like, 'How could I have been so stupid?' At one point, he even thanked me because he said I really put into perspective how much better off he is without her. Well, I guess I didn't put it into that much perspective, after all."

Though Sorum and Mulberry have broken up seven times during their three-year relationship, Weir had always remained quiet about Mulberry's various faults.

"In the past, I held my tongue because I figured they'd be back together," Weir said. "This time, though, Kate slept with her Pilates instructor, and Chris found out about it. I've never seen him so angry. I thought to myself, 'Yes! I'm finally gonna get to tell him everything I think of that witch.'"

Weir said he now fears that Sorum will tell—or has already told—Mulberry what he said about her.

"Even though Chris was right there complaining with me, I said some pretty foul shit about Kate," Weir said. "If push comes to shove, he'll probably side with her, even though he totally agreed with me when I said she has a way of twisting his head around until he doesn't know what to believe anymore. Christ, I can't believe they're back together."

Further complicating the Sorum-Mulberry reconciliation are the second- and third-hand criticisms Weir relayed to Sorum from other friends.

"I told Chris that the guys have always hated her, especially Pete [Kelleher]," Weir said. "One night last summer, Pete was cracking us all up with this hilarious imitation he does of Kate yanking Chris out of a room. He made me promise I would never tell Chris about the imitation, but I figured I could after the break-up. Well, now Pete is probably seriously pissed at me, too."

Thus far, Weir has suffered no backlash from Sorum, who has not spoken to him since getting back together with Mulberry.

"I'm not sure if Chris hasn't called in the last few days because he's mad at me, or because he and Kate are too busy with their make-up fucking," Weir said. "Hopefully, it's the latter. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even remember what I said about her. Then again, it's pretty hard to forget when somebody calls your girlfriend of the past three years 'the most shallow, moody, bitchy, manipulative, all-around unlikable person I have ever met.'"

Weir said he will not be so quick to offer Sorum his opinion of Mulberry when the couple breaks up again.

"Next time, I'm gonna wait a good two months before saying anything bad about Kate," Weir said. "And even then, I'm gonna keep my insults nice and vague so I can retract them if need to. Make that when I need to."

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