adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

CHICAGO—Peeking into the windows of local bakeries and coffee shops and making a mental note of all the area’s nearby businesses, new resident Tom Cohen settled into his surroundings Monday by going on his last ever walk around his neighborhood, sources confirmed. “I can’t wait to stop into that little bookstore down the street and grab a drink at the bar around the corner, plus it’s just a 10-minute walk to the lake, which I’ll definitely head back to when the weather’s warmer,” Cohen said upon returning from his final stroll through the area to begin unpacking his belongings and set up his new residence. “There are so many restaurants nearby that will be fun to check out, and there’s that nice park a few blocks up that has a farmer’s market where I can get fresh produce every week. I can definitely see myself having a great time around here.” At press time, Cohen had said a quick hello to his neighbor across the hall, marking the final word he will ever utter to another person in his apartment building.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close