Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

CHICAGO—Peeking into the windows of local bakeries and coffee shops and making a mental note of all the area’s nearby businesses, new resident Tom Cohen settled into his surroundings Monday by going on his last ever walk around his neighborhood, sources confirmed. “I can’t wait to stop into that little bookstore down the street and grab a drink at the bar around the corner, plus it’s just a 10-minute walk to the lake, which I’ll definitely head back to when the weather’s warmer,” Cohen said upon returning from his final stroll through the area to begin unpacking his belongings and set up his new residence. “There are so many restaurants nearby that will be fun to check out, and there’s that nice park a few blocks up that has a farmer’s market where I can get fresh produce every week. I can definitely see myself having a great time around here.” At press time, Cohen had said a quick hello to his neighbor across the hall, marking the final word he will ever utter to another person in his apartment building.

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