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Man Born To Party Dies Partying

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Man Born To Party Dies Partying

DETROIT—Loading-dock worker Randy Scharf, 25, who often described himself as "born to party," died while partying, his aggrieved friends announced Monday. "Randy was always up for a good time," said friend Steven "Beevo" Bollinger, who threw the house party Saturday night that proved to be Scharf's last. "He was the only guy I know who could drink a quart and a half of rum and still be ready for a night of barhopping." Scharf, who fell to his death while scaling the wall above a sixth-floor balcony, is survived by his loving parents, Mark and Anne, and his brother, Tony "Barf" Scharf.

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