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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Man Born To Party Dies Partying

DETROIT—Loading-dock worker Randy Scharf, 25, who often described himself as "born to party," died while partying, his aggrieved friends announced Monday. "Randy was always up for a good time," said friend Steven "Beevo" Bollinger, who threw the house party Saturday night that proved to be Scharf's last. "He was the only guy I know who could drink a quart and a half of rum and still be ready for a night of barhopping." Scharf, who fell to his death while scaling the wall above a sixth-floor balcony, is survived by his loving parents, Mark and Anne, and his brother, Tony "Barf" Scharf.

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