adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care

TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care. “I haven’t been to the dentist for at least four or five years now,” Telford reportedly said aloud in a confident and gloating tone of voice, proudly touting the fact that he had received no professional teeth cleaning over a period of time during which experts recommend seeing a dentist eight to 10 times. “Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I went. I probably haven’t gone since freshman year of college, or maybe it was back in high school. My parents are always telling me to make an appointment, but I never do.” Telford reportedly followed his show of bravado about his rare dentist visits with a grandiose boast that he has no intention of seeing a doctor even though he’s been having frequent unexplained headaches recently.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close