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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Bragging About How Infrequently He Receives Dental Care

TACOMA, WA—Treating the amount of time that had passed since his last appointment as a source of great personal pride, local man Kyle Telford, 25, reportedly bragged to several friends Friday about how infrequently he receives dental care. “I haven’t been to the dentist for at least four or five years now,” Telford reportedly said aloud in a confident and gloating tone of voice, proudly touting the fact that he had received no professional teeth cleaning over a period of time during which experts recommend seeing a dentist eight to 10 times. “Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I went. I probably haven’t gone since freshman year of college, or maybe it was back in high school. My parents are always telling me to make an appointment, but I never do.” Telford reportedly followed his show of bravado about his rare dentist visits with a grandiose boast that he has no intention of seeing a doctor even though he’s been having frequent unexplained headaches recently.

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