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Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

SAN FRANCISCO—During his stay at the San Francisco Hilton Thursday, 34-year-old Peter Adler momentarily forgot that the maids, doormen, and other staff of the hotel were not actually human beings, sources reported. “I found myself actually walking up to this cleaning lady and speaking words to her before realizing she’s just some non-human attendant thing—it totally slipped my mind to just ignore her existence entirely,” said Adler, who caught himself looking one of the subhuman creatures directly in the eye in the lobby. “They’re all so lifelike, sometimes I realize I’m making eye contact with one of them or even smiling at them as if they’re real people. I keep forgetting to just walk right by and act like they’re not even there.” Sources confirmed that at one point Adler almost picked up the towels off the bathroom floor before remembering there were things that can do that for him.

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