Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

SAN FRANCISCO—During his stay at the San Francisco Hilton Thursday, 34-year-old Peter Adler momentarily forgot that the maids, doormen, and other staff of the hotel were not actually human beings, sources reported. “I found myself actually walking up to this cleaning lady and speaking words to her before realizing she’s just some non-human attendant thing—it totally slipped my mind to just ignore her existence entirely,” said Adler, who caught himself looking one of the subhuman creatures directly in the eye in the lobby. “They’re all so lifelike, sometimes I realize I’m making eye contact with one of them or even smiling at them as if they’re real people. I keep forgetting to just walk right by and act like they’re not even there.” Sources confirmed that at one point Adler almost picked up the towels off the bathroom floor before remembering there were things that can do that for him.

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