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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans

SAN FRANCISCO—During his stay at the San Francisco Hilton Thursday, 34-year-old Peter Adler momentarily forgot that the maids, doormen, and other staff of the hotel were not actually human beings, sources reported. “I found myself actually walking up to this cleaning lady and speaking words to her before realizing she’s just some non-human attendant thing—it totally slipped my mind to just ignore her existence entirely,” said Adler, who caught himself looking one of the subhuman creatures directly in the eye in the lobby. “They’re all so lifelike, sometimes I realize I’m making eye contact with one of them or even smiling at them as if they’re real people. I keep forgetting to just walk right by and act like they’re not even there.” Sources confirmed that at one point Adler almost picked up the towels off the bathroom floor before remembering there were things that can do that for him.

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