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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Brings Visiting Parents Into Office To Meet Coworkers Who Can't Stand Him

AUSTIN, TX—Area product manager Wayne Landgraf, 26, reportedly brought his visiting parents to his workplace at the Vasquez Group earlier this morning, taking the time to introduce them to all his coworkers who can’t stand him. “So, this is the whole gang—Stephen, Alice, Robbie, Kath, and, well, everyone else,” said Landgraf, acquainting his mother and father with 18 people who despise the sound of his voice, exclude him from social gatherings, and regularly duck into conference rooms to vent to each other about how much he pisses them off. “I’m glad you finally got to meet these guys. I guess now you can put the names with the faces!” At press time, sources said Landgraf was unable to find his parents, who were busy amusing a group of their son’s colleagues with stories of how much of a little asshole he was as a kid.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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