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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Builds House He Designed When He Was Eight Years Old

LODI, CA–A lifelong dream was realized Monday following the completion of "Fort Awesome," the high-tech home of the future Lodi architect Don Reese designed as an 8-year-old boy. "My dream is at last a reality," said the 36-year-old Reese, cutting the ribbon on the 10-room, 16-story mansion, which boasts a rooftop trampoline, seven free soda machines, and a McDonald's. "From this day forth, let Fort Awesome serve as a citadel of fun and excitement for all to enjoy. Except Dougie Wendell." A $5 million laser-guided trap-door system was installed to protect the home from infiltration by Wendell, a onetime Reese playmate who is now an actuary in Danbury, CT.

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