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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Calls Trust Fund Savings

NEW YORK—Following a year of fruitless efforts to find a job, unemployed 26-year-old Scott Wesley, who reportedly lives off a $2 million trust fund established by his parents, confirmed Thursday he “still has enough in savings” to make ends meet for the time being. “The job market’s tough right now, but thankfully I have some money put away in my savings account,” said Wesley, apparently referring to the professionally managed investment fund to which his parents have been the sole contributors since his birth. “Obviously, living off your savings isn’t ideal, but I’m not too worried. I’ve been through rough stretches before, and somehow in the end I’m always able to find enough to cover all my expenses.” At press time, sources confirmed the man’s parents had just deposited $30,000 into his checking account.

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