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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Can Get By In His Own Language

TEMPE, AZ—American citizen Ray Ayers can get along pretty well in his native language of English when he has to, the 57-year-old said Friday night after friends commented on his ability to order a meal at a restaurant. "I'm not exactly fluent, but I know enough to get by," said Ayers, adding that he's learned to read facial expressions whenever he's in English-speaking regions, such as the part of Arizona where he lives. "And you can use hand gestures to get drinks, ask about the bathroom, say hello, goodbye, thank you, how much for this. People usually figure out what you mean." Ayers admitted that he rarely uses anything but the present tense and, except for road signs and some menu items, does not recognize a word of the written language.

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