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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Can Get By In His Own Language

TEMPE, AZ—American citizen Ray Ayers can get along pretty well in his native language of English when he has to, the 57-year-old said Friday night after friends commented on his ability to order a meal at a restaurant. "I'm not exactly fluent, but I know enough to get by," said Ayers, adding that he's learned to read facial expressions whenever he's in English-speaking regions, such as the part of Arizona where he lives. "And you can use hand gestures to get drinks, ask about the bathroom, say hello, goodbye, thank you, how much for this. People usually figure out what you mean." Ayers admitted that he rarely uses anything but the present tense and, except for road signs and some menu items, does not recognize a word of the written language.

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