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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Can Name All Parts Of The Vagina

TUCSON, AZ—Local 32-year-old Greg Chesterfield demonstrated Tuesday that he has the ability to correctly name all the parts of the human vagina. "Inner and outer labia, mons veneris, Skene's gland, Bartholin gland, vaginal opening," Chesterfield said to reporters while looking off toward an unknown point in the distance. "The clitoris, the clitoral hood, the hymen, and the urethra." Added Chesterfield, "Oh, and commissure of inner labia."

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