Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Man Can Name All Parts Of The Vagina

TUCSON, AZ—Local 32-year-old Greg Chesterfield demonstrated Tuesday that he has the ability to correctly name all the parts of the human vagina. "Inner and outer labia, mons veneris, Skene's gland, Bartholin gland, vaginal opening," Chesterfield said to reporters while looking off toward an unknown point in the distance. "The clitoris, the clitoral hood, the hymen, and the urethra." Added Chesterfield, "Oh, and commissure of inner labia."

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