adBlockCheck

Best Of October 2015

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Can’t Believe Obama Would Use Tragedy To Push Anti-Tragedy Agenda

SEDALIA, MO—Following yesterday’s speech by the president addressing the recent events in Roseburg, OR, local 42-year-old Tim Moss expressed his outrage to reporters that President Obama was attempting to capitalize off a tragedy to push his anti-tragedy agenda. “It’s just disgusting and shameful that, once again, the first thing out of Obama’s mouth after a tragedy is that he wants to limit tragedies,” said Moss, adding that it is both insensitive and opportunistic of the president to suddenly shift the conversation toward curbing the number of tragedies as the nation mourns in the wake of this tragedy. “Every single time this happens, he makes the tragedy all about clamping down on tragedies, and it’s simply not the time or the place for him to be going in front of the camera and pushing for steps to decrease the number of tragedies. Christ, this is a national tragedy we’re dealing with right now.” Moss added that he hopes Obama conducts himself more appropriately during the next tragedy.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close