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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Can't Decide Whether To Give Sandwich To Homeless Or Ducks

ST. PAUL, MN– While eating lunch in Como Park Monday, Justin Winningham, 34, struggled to decide whether to give his extra smoked-turkey sandwich to a homeless man or a group of ducks. "The homeless guy seemed pretty hungry and probably would have appreciated it," Winningham said. "But those ducks just looked so darn cute, and I knew they'd get all excited and flap their wings if I fed them." After noticing a slight paunch on the homeless man, Winningham decided the ducks needed the food more and lovingly hand-fed them.

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