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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Can't Decide Whether To Give Sandwich To Homeless Or Ducks

ST. PAUL, MN– While eating lunch in Como Park Monday, Justin Winningham, 34, struggled to decide whether to give his extra smoked-turkey sandwich to a homeless man or a group of ducks. "The homeless guy seemed pretty hungry and probably would have appreciated it," Winningham said. "But those ducks just looked so darn cute, and I knew they'd get all excited and flap their wings if I fed them." After noticing a slight paunch on the homeless man, Winningham decided the ducks needed the food more and lovingly hand-fed them.

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