Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office

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Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter

LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. "You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and if you don't know what to do by now, then you've got bigger problems than Martha Stewart,'" said Leno's recording, followed by a five-second silence. "But seriously, callers, at the beep, leave a message." After a short pause, Leno's message concluded, "Am I right?"

New Television Show In The Works

BURBANK, CA—A possible new television program is "in the works," with preliminary meetings regarding a potential development deal with UPN "a definite possibility," sources at the extreme periphery of the U.S. entertainment industry confirmed Monday.

Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

ATHENS, GA—In a highly stoned statement made while sitting around watching late-night cable TV with his roommates Tuesday, Athens-area stoner Dirk Udell announced his conviction that everyone on TV is also stoned.

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.

TELEVISION ENDS

NEW YORK—It was the end of an era in American entertainment Monday, as the 55-year history of television came to a close.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office

GLENARDEN, MD—Following a string of similar cases among coworkers this week, local consultant Eric Hubbard confirmed today that he had finally caught the bad television show going around his office. “I had a feeling I might catch it a couple days ago after Chris mentioned Season 1 was on Netflix, and by Wednesday I was home in bed marathoning the whole thing,” Hubbard said of AMC’s Hell On Wheels, the highly contagious western drama coworkers suspect started with Kristen in accounting and spread by word of mouth to other departments within days. “It’s been really bad so far. One of the worst shows I’ve caught in a while, actually. I’m super lethargic and I get headaches from staring at the screen too long. I’ll try to go in tomorrow, but even then I might have to leave early to finish the rest of Season 3.” When reached for comment, experts said the best way to avoid contracting the television show is to avoid primary contact with infected persons and stay away from public places where people may be discussing its premise and actor Common’s supporting role.

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