adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office

GLENARDEN, MD—Following a string of similar cases among coworkers this week, local consultant Eric Hubbard confirmed today that he had finally caught the bad television show going around his office. “I had a feeling I might catch it a couple days ago after Chris mentioned Season 1 was on Netflix, and by Wednesday I was home in bed marathoning the whole thing,” Hubbard said of AMC’s Hell On Wheels, the highly contagious western drama coworkers suspect started with Kristen in accounting and spread by word of mouth to other departments within days. “It’s been really bad so far. One of the worst shows I’ve caught in a while, actually. I’m super lethargic and I get headaches from staring at the screen too long. I’ll try to go in tomorrow, but even then I might have to leave early to finish the rest of Season 3.” When reached for comment, experts said the best way to avoid contracting the television show is to avoid primary contact with infected persons and stay away from public places where people may be discussing its premise and actor Common’s supporting role.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close