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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office

GLENARDEN, MD—Following a string of similar cases among coworkers this week, local consultant Eric Hubbard confirmed today that he had finally caught the bad television show going around his office. “I had a feeling I might catch it a couple days ago after Chris mentioned Season 1 was on Netflix, and by Wednesday I was home in bed marathoning the whole thing,” Hubbard said of AMC’s Hell On Wheels, the highly contagious western drama coworkers suspect started with Kristen in accounting and spread by word of mouth to other departments within days. “It’s been really bad so far. One of the worst shows I’ve caught in a while, actually. I’m super lethargic and I get headaches from staring at the screen too long. I’ll try to go in tomorrow, but even then I might have to leave early to finish the rest of Season 3.” When reached for comment, experts said the best way to avoid contracting the television show is to avoid primary contact with infected persons and stay away from public places where people may be discussing its premise and actor Common’s supporting role.

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