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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Man Catches Bad Television Show Going Around Office

GLENARDEN, MD—Following a string of similar cases among coworkers this week, local consultant Eric Hubbard confirmed today that he had finally caught the bad television show going around his office. “I had a feeling I might catch it a couple days ago after Chris mentioned Season 1 was on Netflix, and by Wednesday I was home in bed marathoning the whole thing,” Hubbard said of AMC’s Hell On Wheels, the highly contagious western drama coworkers suspect started with Kristen in accounting and spread by word of mouth to other departments within days. “It’s been really bad so far. One of the worst shows I’ve caught in a while, actually. I’m super lethargic and I get headaches from staring at the screen too long. I’ll try to go in tomorrow, but even then I might have to leave early to finish the rest of Season 3.” When reached for comment, experts said the best way to avoid contracting the television show is to avoid primary contact with infected persons and stay away from public places where people may be discussing its premise and actor Common’s supporting role.

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