adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels

ITHACA, NY—Looking visibly uncomfortable, Barnes & Noble customer Paul Gannon, 36, confirmed Saturday that a group of teenagers sitting against, and hovering around, the Graphic Novels area was preventing him from perusing the section. “I really don’t want to go over there,” said Gannon, adding that he would prefer to avoid asking the lip-pierced, teenage girl with a ski cap covering her dyed-red hair if she would please move her backpack so he could browse the shelves. “I’ll just pretend to browse the Business and Money section until they leave.” At press time, Gannon had decided to exit the bookstore, saying that he could just order volume two of Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing collection on Amazon.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close