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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty

GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit spontaneous acts of brutal sadism. "Nature, red in tooth and claw, destroys without prejudice or regard for feelings, and since I am at one with nature, so too shall I," said Nicolai as he flattened a tree frog with a ball-peen hammer. "When I witness the awesome force of a tsunami, or the shift of a tectonic plate, or even a kitten mercilessly taunting its prey before eating it, I know that I am in harmony with nature." Nicolai said he has found peace through his ritual animal torture and vicious braining of random passersby.

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