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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael

MANSFIELD, OH—Selecting responses that did not accurately reflect his personality and were instead intended solely to influence the test’s outcome, local man Paul Acevedo, 32, blatantly gamed an entertainment website’s “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?” quiz Friday in order to be equated to Raphael, multiple sources confirmed. “If you look at the answers he gave on every question, it’s so obvious Paul was gunning for Raphael the entire time,” said onlooker Isaac Nichols, who noted that Acevedo deliberately avoided the options “natural leader,” “deep thinker,” and “party animal” on the question “How would you describe yourself?” in favor of choosing “born rebel.” “The quiz asked him how he would react to a Foot Soldier attack, and he chose ‘with a sarcastic quip and a ninja chop right to the gut.’ He had to have been thinking Raphael for that. And then when it asked him for his favorite color, he went straight for ‘red.’ I mean, come on.” In further support of his theory, Nichols noted that he had observed a frustrated Acevedo take the test two other times earlier in the day.

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