Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael

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Vol 50 Issue 13

Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

According to new research, the cartoon “spokescharacters” on cereal boxes are purposefully drawn with their stares angled downward to make eye contact with young children, which researchers say raises the trust level between kids and the carto...

Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

OAKLAND, CA—Upon realizing that opponents always seem to have better facilities, equipment, and players, team sources confirmed Friday that Oakland A’s outfielder Coco Crisp approached manager Bob Melvin and quietly asked whether their team wa...

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

COLUMBUS, OH—Following an evening spent out at a local brewpub, area man Patrick Fitzgerald took the initiative Wednesday night to invite local woman Alicia Powell up to his apartment to see his glaring red flags, sources confirmed.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael

MANSFIELD, OH—Selecting responses that did not accurately reflect his personality and were instead intended solely to influence the test’s outcome, local man Paul Acevedo, 32, blatantly gamed an entertainment website’s “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?” quiz Friday in order to be equated to Raphael, multiple sources confirmed. “If you look at the answers he gave on every question, it’s so obvious Paul was gunning for Raphael the entire time,” said onlooker Isaac Nichols, who noted that Acevedo deliberately avoided the options “natural leader,” “deep thinker,” and “party animal” on the question “How would you describe yourself?” in favor of choosing “born rebel.” “The quiz asked him how he would react to a Foot Soldier attack, and he chose ‘with a sarcastic quip and a ninja chop right to the gut.’ He had to have been thinking Raphael for that. And then when it asked him for his favorite color, he went straight for ‘red.’ I mean, come on.” In further support of his theory, Nichols noted that he had observed a frustrated Acevedo take the test two other times earlier in the day.

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