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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael

MANSFIELD, OH—Selecting responses that did not accurately reflect his personality and were instead intended solely to influence the test’s outcome, local man Paul Acevedo, 32, blatantly gamed an entertainment website’s “Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?” quiz Friday in order to be equated to Raphael, multiple sources confirmed. “If you look at the answers he gave on every question, it’s so obvious Paul was gunning for Raphael the entire time,” said onlooker Isaac Nichols, who noted that Acevedo deliberately avoided the options “natural leader,” “deep thinker,” and “party animal” on the question “How would you describe yourself?” in favor of choosing “born rebel.” “The quiz asked him how he would react to a Foot Soldier attack, and he chose ‘with a sarcastic quip and a ninja chop right to the gut.’ He had to have been thinking Raphael for that. And then when it asked him for his favorite color, he went straight for ‘red.’ I mean, come on.” In further support of his theory, Nichols noted that he had observed a frustrated Acevedo take the test two other times earlier in the day.

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