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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Resigning himself to his lukewarm fate, local man Marshall Bregman was at last coming to terms with the fact that his shower was not getting any hotter, sources said Friday. “I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s clear to me now that this shower is as hot as it will ever get,” said Bregman, adding that it was pointless to even wonder why, as he was powerless to effect any change. “I tried everything, from turning the knob all the way to giving it a good 10 minutes to get nice and steamy, but it’s not meant to be. You can only feel under the faucet for a rise in temperature for so long before you have no choice but to fully accept the situation. If nothing else, there’s a kind of peace that comes with acceptance.” At press time, Bregman was giving the shower just one more minute to heat up.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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