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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Resigning himself to his lukewarm fate, local man Marshall Bregman was at last coming to terms with the fact that his shower was not getting any hotter, sources said Friday. “I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s clear to me now that this shower is as hot as it will ever get,” said Bregman, adding that it was pointless to even wonder why, as he was powerless to effect any change. “I tried everything, from turning the knob all the way to giving it a good 10 minutes to get nice and steamy, but it’s not meant to be. You can only feel under the faucet for a rise in temperature for so long before you have no choice but to fully accept the situation. If nothing else, there’s a kind of peace that comes with acceptance.” At press time, Bregman was giving the shower just one more minute to heat up.

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