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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Resigning himself to his lukewarm fate, local man Marshall Bregman was at last coming to terms with the fact that his shower was not getting any hotter, sources said Friday. “I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s clear to me now that this shower is as hot as it will ever get,” said Bregman, adding that it was pointless to even wonder why, as he was powerless to effect any change. “I tried everything, from turning the knob all the way to giving it a good 10 minutes to get nice and steamy, but it’s not meant to be. You can only feel under the faucet for a rise in temperature for so long before you have no choice but to fully accept the situation. If nothing else, there’s a kind of peace that comes with acceptance.” At press time, Bregman was giving the shower just one more minute to heat up.

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